Well, we're in the final days..... but each day has now become the equivilant of a month! I'm so uncomfortable, that all the complaining in the world won't help (but i'm still going to do it... hah). I'm starting to feel anxious about having a second child.... can I handle it? What have I done?? What if he's not healthy? What if the baby had colic?? I'll go crazy... the usually confident self has been traded in for an uneasy, doubtful version of me. I'm feeling like... like up until this point it's been a very nice "concept" to be pregnant, and be carrying our second child, but the pregnancy had been more of a medical condition, so-to-speak, than an actual, real life, baby growing inside me that I will now me stuck with caring for, for the REST OF MY LIFE! Okay, that was a little overkill, but it's hard to grasp the enitre concept until it's almost here. It's almost as if at times, I'm outside myself, looking in.... at this life that I don't know. Time seems to have gone by so fast and for as long as I can remember, I've always "dreamed" of being a wife and a mother and having children, but it was always just that.... a dream. It's almost as if I never expected the day to actually come when it would be a reality. So when I have a second to breathe, I sometimes sit and reflect on it all.... and it truely baffles me... like someone hit the fast forward button to my life and I missed all the transitional periods where you have time to get used to and adjust to the major changes that are happeneing. I know that I lived everyday and I was there both physically and mentally, but sometimes I feel as if that was just a movie, or a dream and that I'm actually just a teenager, single, under the care of my parents..... immature and unqualified to ACTUALLY be living that life. You would think that this would've happened with the first child.... and it did, to an extent, but it's really hitting me this time around. I guess that with two kids.... you're a full-fledged family. You are a mother of TWO, not just one. You've graduated to the second teir of motherhood.... where you're 100% entrenched. With one baby, it's acceptable to still have "a life" and it's usually possible. You could concieveablly still be a little immature, selfish, and you haven't fallen into that category yet where you have to drive a minivan or wear horrible jeans. Especially if you're young, a lot of your friends are still living that post college, pre-marriage lifestyle with minimal responsibilities and lots of disposable income. When you have one child, they can steal you away for a night here and there and you don't yet feel like a 80 year old in a college bar.... but with TWO kids.... it's almost as if, no matter what age, you're mentally at LEAST a middle-aged, mom-jean wearing, mini-van driving, 100% RESPONSIBLE, homebody. Society kind of stears you down the path to permanent maturity with a one-way ticket to unexcitement. Oh, I know... it's not all true.... plenty of "mothers-of-two" have wonderful, chic, exciting lives..... BUT.... also, plenty of "mothers-of-two" go out and buy their first minivan.... settle for unflattering "mom" jeans, never wear a bikini again... and think of an exciting night out as a dinner at the local family-friendly restaurant. Now, there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with this. There is nothing wrong with being a responsible, family-oriented, van-driving women, but when you feel as if your fast-forward button was hit, and you're actually NOT supposed to be there yet, it can make the transtition like jumping naked into the deep end of a pool in the middle of January. My natural instinct is to kind of pretend like it's not all real.... I think that's why it hasn't hit me until this point, that this thing inside me is going to one day, be my son.... a living, breathing, human being that will walk and talk and eat and poop and one day learn to drive and have his first kiss and hopefully, have a wife and kids of his own. Now see... that's WAY too much to grasp at this point, because if you think about ALL of that, then all of the sudden you're 68 and a grand parent and life is almost over. Then what? What if you still feel like someone hit that fast-forward button and you're actually meant to be in your mid 20's, living life as a free spirit, with a fully-functioning body and mind, and nothing tying you down. I don't want to wake up one day and realize that's what has happened. How is it that you take each day and embrace it so that you don't one day wake up like that?? How do you take each day and engrain it in your memory, so that when you ARE 68 and a grand parent, you can honestly look back and feel as if you lived every moment in between? I hope that the secret comes with age and I just haven't found it yet.
Now, although this has mostly been about time flying.... it feels as if these last few days are FROZEN in time. I can't WISH it away fast enough. I have 10 days until my scheduled c-section and 10 days sounds like 10 YEARS!!! I feel like someone has punched my in the stomach, AT ALL TIMES, and I even cry it hurts so bad... not to mention, when you don't sleep, NOTHING is fun...... NOTHING. I know there is "an end in sight" but it seems as if that end is just a dream.... kind of like one of those things you've always thought about, but will never really happen. I know I should cherish these last few days with "the final" baby inside me.... feeling him kick and roll and practice for the olympics, but I'm finding it hard to have a positive attitiude about ANY of this discomfort. This kid's gotta be a good 15lbs! Okay, I exaggerate, but you all should know that about me by now. My ankles are so swollen that I've been wearing flip-flops in 30 degree weather, my bladder is so smushed that I pee about 3 times an hour.... if not more... and like I said, sleep?? HAH.... I forget the meaning of the word! I am cranky and a big PITA at this point, i'm sure. I feel like an inadequate mother b/c I can't hold my daughter as much, and things like bending over to give her a bath is such a production that I actually dread it every night. I need the magic pill that makes all the negative go away, time fly (for now at least), and a positive attitude shine through. I feel handicap... and I have a new found respect for anyone with a little extra weight on their bodies. I can't sit, I can't lay, standing is okay for my belly, but not my legs, walking hurts, bending is near impossble and my ability to do anything below the waist is gone.... SOOOOOOOOO, as much as I'm not mentally ready to graduate to the second tier of motherhood and become a 100% responsible, mini-van driving, bad jean wearing, family-oriented mother of two..... I'm physically ready to get this DARN baby OUT!
And I can't wait to meet him..... :) I should also add, that my life is a dream... a fairlytale.... I just can't believe it's here already.
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