More Random Thoughts From a Pregnant Mind....

Okay, so here's some of the things I've come up with today....

What is it that takes a guy so damn long to POOP?!?! Seriously? I ask my hub all the time, but he can never give me an explaination. He says,.. "I just poop". Well thank-you for that enlightenment, Den. Do they just sit there on the pot, letting the poop just FALL out of their butts? Do they not understand the idea of PUSHING?? I don't know A SINGLE woman who can sit on a toilet for 25 minutes just letting poop fall out, and I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty sure we're all int he same boat when I say that if it takes longer than a minute for me to push out a turd, then there's something wrong (excluding any real illness). So, how does this thought have anything to do with pregnancy? Well.... first off... it's just how my mind is working at this stage in pregnancy and I'm at the point where I'm too large to do things like scale the side of the living room wall to turn on the power to the TV, and when the hub is taking a 25 minute crap, this poses a problem. Chop chop boy... you're needed for very important husband duties (like turning on the TV)No time for dawtling.... TEEN MOM IS ON! I actually went as far as yelling through the door, "PUSH!!!" So, to get back to how or why women are more efficient poopers? I draw my conclusion from the natural instinct to push. I think b/c we're the baby carriers, and the only genetically engrained way for us to get a baby out is to push, I feel that we take that instict and apply it to other things that need to come out. Not to mention that women are just more efficient and usually have a million other things to do and pooping is not really at the top of the list... in fact, it's more of an incovienience and a lot of times, if I could get away with skipping that part of my day, I would.... but oh no no, not a guy... it's like they set aside an hour of their day, look forward to it, do a count down, and plan the perfect pot-side reading material. Seriously??

Random thought #2: So, at this point in my pregnancy (almost 34 weeks), it's pretty obvious that I'm pregnant and not just fat. Well, my current career is in liquor sales which has me going in and out of bars, restaurants, and package stores all day, everyday.... as well as usually carting in (and out) open bottles of booze in order to sample my customers. So, picture this: 8 1/2 month pregnant woman walking down the strip with a bottle in each hand, going in and out of the local bars at 10am in the morning on a Wednesday. Yeah.... I get some pretty nasty looks. Can I wear a sign that says, "just doing my job" er.... well, that might not work.... then I might be precieved as a prostitute.... um, how 'bout, "Not buying, just selling"... um,... okay that's not much better. Pretty much, I have no way of looking like I'm not a pickling my baby... I'm surprised that I haven't had one of those anti-abortion crazed born agains run up to me and take the bottles out my hands and condemn me to hell... OR a call from social services. Then there's my Friday meetings... which usually start off with a good verbal lashing leaving us all with mental scars and a thirst for our sample bottles, followed by every wine and liquor supplier we have making a powerpoint presentation on how THEIR new vodka is the next Grey Goose and the only way to get through each Friday is to drink the gallons of samples they put in front of you.... It never fails, every Friday, even though everyone's known I've been pregnant for about oh, I don't know, 6 months... Every Friday, there is at least one sample drink joke. Oh hah hah hah... it's just SOOO funny, now that you mention it, I AM pregnant... who knew?!! It's just so funny when, for the 87th time, you "pretend" to pour me a full glass or put the bottle in front of me, then laugh about how much it sucks that I can't actually drink it. Yeah, funny. Almost as funny as the DD jokes. One friday, I'm going to fill up an empty vodka bottle with water and just CHUG it in front of everyone and just watch their jaws drop. Which brings me to ANOTHER thought.... Why is it that every person you come in contact with, no matter how NOT well you know them, has an opinion on how you're supposed to be pregnant. Like, GOD forbid you have a coffee cup in front of you... You're going to hell and every MALE you see that day will tell you so... (do they know about decaf??) or how DARE you take a sip of that wine!!! What a horrible mother!! Everyone has an opinion on how YOU should carry YOUR baby.... drives me nuts! Oh, I'm sorry, I didin't know I was carrying your child... but instead of saying anything, (in the work place, of course) I just laugh and say... "oh you're so right" or "it's just decaf, don't worry". And ya know another thing that really bothers me, and maybe this one is just my hormomes, but I have to mention it... How every SINGLE person you see, talk to, or even email wants to know how you're feeling. "How are you feeling??" "How's the pregnancy going??" "How are you feeling","How are you feeling", "how are you feeling?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I'm pregnant doofus... I feel fat, moody and right now, pissed off that I have to answer this question for the 29th time today! Ya know, I was just thinking,.... I hope someone comes up and asks me how i'm feeling today...b/c I really want to smile and say, "large (fake laugh fake laugh fake laugh)" or "wonderful (fake laugh fake laugh fake laugh)" or "oh, you know... ready to be done (fake chuckle fake chuckle fake chuckle)". Seriously, do you really want to know?? I feel like a whale, my ass hurts from holding back farts in public all day long, my bladder is the size of a walnut, and my vagina is so engorged it looks like the baby is crowning.... did you really want to know that?? My guess is no, so STFU and stop asking me! Or how about this question, "Are you guys excited??" Um.... no not at all, in fact we're totally dreding it... don't want this damn thing, but was too afraid of the anti-abortion crazed born agains outside the clinic to take care of it.... Seriously?? Of COURSE we're excited, but the excitement is dwindling evey time I have to answer that stupid question. Oh.. and this is my favorite (and Jess, I have to give you credit for this one) when someone asks, "so were you guys trying?" Do you really want to know that? C'mon. Do you know how babies are made or do I need to bring you to 9th grade health class again? Either way you look at it... that's awkward to answer. It's either No, we just bang like monkeys so much that it was bound to happen... also, we don't like the feelings of condoms and birth control makes me a bitch so it's the pull 'n pray methond for us.... except we do more praying than pulling, or Yes, in fact we tried REEEEEEEALLY hard for a REEEALLY long time and we tried everywhere we could think of.... in fact, that kitchen table you're eating off of... we even tried there. See, now did you really want to know that? Oh... the joys. People who are not pregnant, please take my advice... think before speaking, b/c just b/c we're knocked up doesn't mean we've lost ALL of our dignity (that is, until labor, then forget it... it all goes right out the window).

Annoyed and Pregnant

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.. wait.... UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ya know what?! I'm annoyed. Pissed off. Buttons pushed. And I just want to hit someone (Den's looking good at the moment). I'm getting kicked every other f'ing second, my inlaws are here and that means HORRIBLE TV throughout the entire time Ali is actually napping, and Den's just pissing me off.... he used all the f'ing eggs when I specifically asked him if we needed more yesterday while at the grocery store, but NOOOOOOO why should we do ALL the grocery shopping in one day if we can split it up into 5!!!!!! As a result I was unable to make my pregnancy-craved corn muffins b/c SOMEONE used every last f'ing egg to make pancakes this morning.... which he KNEW I didn't WANT!!!! UHHHHHHHHH! So now I'm hungry, pissed off b/c Den put on stupid snowmobiling when I left the remote control unguarded for a millisecond to check on OUR daughter who wouldn't go down for a nap, hot b/c well, I'm pregnant, uncomfortable b/c I'm getting kicked every other second, and GOD HELP this computer if it dies (like it's saying it will) before I'm done venting!!!!!!

Can I just say that snowmobiling is the STUPIDEST sport to watch on TV! It's second in line to nascar... in fact, all it is, is the winter version of nascar. And call me a bitch (which I totally am right now, I'll admit) but the only entertaining part of watching this stupid sport on TV is when someone crashes. So here I am, putting on my "happy face" for the inlaws while I scour at this computer screen in my mind, and pretend to LIKE wasting my precious hour, two hours tops, when I have no Ali responsibilities. UH! If Den only knew the horrible thoughts I am thinking about him at this very moment.... good thing he's not too good with the telepathy thing. Although, if he was, then I could tell him that his balls are going to be in a knot as soon as his parents leave for DARING to change the TV channel while Ali is napping! Or I could've told him that he better get his ass out the door and into the car to get me some flippin' eggs so that I can make my corn muffins or he can kiss ANY sort of sex life good bye! Okay,,..."hopes" of a sex life.

And ya know what baby in my belly?!! I've had just about enough of your kick boxing sessions every single time I sit down! Do you have any idea how it feels to be kicked in the liver or have a foot shoved under your rib cage? Seriously kid, you're in for it when you get out... I swear to GoD! Mommy's gonna take kickboxing lessons and when you come out we'll see how you like it! Well, maybe not right away, but you just wait until your teenage years when I can just claim self defense.

Watch out.. no one is exempt from this mood swing. Consider this your official warning.