Love Juice and Snow Covered Mountains

Okay... This is my warning to all men who may be reading this blog. Go visit ESPN.com or something b/c this is way too much information and may actually scar you for life. But hey, I decided... if I'm going to do this thing, I'm going to do it 100% truthful. So, this is what today's events brought... or should I say, prevented.

I LOVE Spraytans! Can't get enough of 'em. In fact, I travel a good 25 minutes out of my way every week, just so I can stand in my skivvies (or should I say undies and pasties that no longer cover even half of my enlarged nipples) and get sprayed by a middle-aged hippie who talks to fast to understand (He's really a good guy, I must add... and a master of his craft). What can I say? It's totally worth it!! For 20 bucks I get about 50 extra self confidence points that lasts a good 4 days before I slump back down to my normal pregnancy lack of self confidence. So, I usually make this a Thursday, after-work ritual leaving me primed for the weekend, but today I learned an important lesson. I learned to always carry an extra pair of undies.... or you might end up having to skip the spray tan due to what I'm going to call... a pregnancy pit stain.... and I'm not talking about your ARM pits (Told ya boys... you don't want to read this). Why is it that so much stuff can come from something that is so small? and Where the hell is it all coming from?? I mean, don't we need to leave some up there as cushioning for the baby?? So, of course,... this isn't the first time during the pregnancy that this has happened.... in fact, it happens daily, but not usually to the extent it did today... leaving a wet spot that would've definitely been cause for a very awkward conversation.... "Hey... what's that on your underwear that looks like the shape of Florida??" "Oh... that's just the baby blowing his nose.." Yeeeeah... not something I wanted to go through... especially when there are positions you have to stand in while getting sprayed, that aren't the most flattering to begin with. I'm about to start wearing two layers of undies! Do they make something that can reduce the amount of spooge that comes out... ya know, like prescription anti-perspirant, but for your vagina?? I'd totally buy it! Oh.. and don't forget the lovely melvins you get as a result of the love juice being the consistency of superglue... causing your under garments to stick to whatever it touches... I'm getting nervous I'll look down one day and see my pants lodged up somewhere they don't belong leaving the infamous camel toe for all to see. Seriously.... the things we put up with! And don't forget the fact that "grooming" that area had become next to impossible. I mean, it's like a blind person trying to drive... but, this is where a good hubby will come in handy (ew... I know, but it's necessary) Your other option is, of course, to let in grow like the amazon.... now mix in the love juice, and you've got a Jersey Shore boy's hair do inside your underpants! Oh and it's only going to get better with time.. I mean, there's still pissing yourself to look forward too! God forbid you sneeze in public! No wonder it's so taboo to have a baby out of wed-lock.... b/c no man in their right minds would stick around for all this crap unless he was legally bound! Not exactly what I was picturing while I was making the baby.

Now... should I go into the nipple deformities and milky discharge?? Well, if you're still reading at this point, it's probably b/c you've experienced it all so why not...

Ya know what I can't stand?? I can't stand watching the victoria secret commercials where they advertise their latest "sexy" bra.... and put it on what I'm telling myself is a digitally composed women with intense air brushing (b/c I can't bare the thought that that woman actually walks this earth... b/c it's just not fair) while I look down at two mountains that can't even be recognized as "breasts" anymore b/c there are so many damn veins popping out like rivers on a topography map... and my nipples are so large that they look like discolored tops of snow covered mountains... and then there's the whole fact that they have crusties... like you get in the corner of your eye when you wake up, but much more disgusting b/c once you peel them away, watery milk drips out. Oh yeah.... I'm gonna go out and spend 50 bucks on a bra that holds one nipple put together so that I can soak it with my boob juice and those nasty blue veins and stretch marks can be lifted up that much closer to my eyes so that there's NO way I could miss them.... yeah. Or... it just reminds me that no amount of "sexy" in a bra will help the fact that when this is all said and done, my snow covered mountains with blue rivers will be come deflated parade balloons that hang closer to my belly button than my chin and eventually take the shape of bananas. Pushing them up won't do a thing when they're like watery jello... spilling out of all the wrong places and those cute little quarter sized nipples that once were pointing straight ahead, are now the remnants of an infant's chew toy that haven't seen the light of day b/c they point so far south. So... yeah... those commercials piss me off. Go have a baby and then walk around in your "sexy" bra. Oh who am I kidding??? Those computer composed, heavily airbrushed, fake women probably pop right back... Does anyone know how I can get some of that? Or,,.... is that what a boob job is for?