Squirt Squirt

Since my last post had to do with bodily functions, I figured I'd stay with the theme. Since this is my second pregnancy, I have had the privilege of having more than a crustie here or there inside my bra... oh no, I've got the full on ability to SQUIRT! I'm talking milk, in case you were confused.... and BOY... is it FUN! Haha! Right now, I feel like a child with a new toy... I squirt every chance I get. I also quite resemble a pit bull marking it's territory. It goes a little something like this.... MY dresser (squirt),.. MY vanity (squirt),... MY pillow (squirt)... oops.. that's Den's pillow (hehe... squirt squirt).... MY hubby (Squirrrrrrrrrrrt)... okay so maybe Den doesn't exactly share in my amusement on this topic (which only makes me love to do it more and more). In fact, he can't STAND it!! He gets SO angry when I squirt him, that he yells and fits like a 2 year old. Now-a-days, when he sees me coming and I'm topless,.... he starts to scream "no! no! no!" and runs in the opposite direction (Unfortunately for him, my distance is approaching the 5 foot mark). You'd think wife + topless would not provoke this type of reaction. What? I can't squirt my own hubby?? He swears there are still milk stains on Ali's dresser from the first discovery of my milk guns. He also says that he shutters to think what I would do if I had a penis. Oh, the things I can think of. I'm still working on being able to write my name.... somewhere. Anyway... this is just a preview of more to come, I mean heck... I'm not even breast feeding yet. If this is your first pregnancy, you likely won't experience this fun way to annoy your hubby until after delivery, when your milk "comes in." Once it does, you'll feel kind of like you've got bowling balls for boobs... or kind of like what happens to a hot dog when you microwave it, how it gets so full and plump it eventually bursts out of it's casing... yeah, that's what your boobs will feel like every morning (at the very least) until you have a chance to pump, breastfeed, or,,..... or squirt. And the milk will keep on comin'... so every couple hours, conveniently, you'll have to do it all over again. So now... as if you don't have gross shit coming out of enough orifices, you get to add "boobies" to the list of things to plug. Oh yeah... maxi pads for your boobs, that don't have any wings to protect leakage... so don't wear any good shirts at this point b/c you're more than likely going to have a stray nipple quirt here or there. The worst is in the morning... picture this: You wake from a whole hour and a half stretch of sleep,.... baby's screaming b/c he/she is hungry,... you rise to your feet and about 2 milliseconds later, the bowling balls go falling for the floor as if they were being pulled by a magnet, the hot dog's casing bursts, and the milk guns are on automatic discharge.... Before you even reach your screaming bundle of joy, you've soaked through not just the top portion of your shirt, but the entire thing.... and with in another 2 milliseconds, your shirt begins to drip like a leaky faucet b/c it's so full of breast milk... oh.. and don't you DARE touch them, they'll likely explode if you do, leaving you with a trail of milk drippings that follow your every step. Eventually, you'll get the little one attached to your nipples like the jaws of life, and soon your mind will wander to places only a new mother could imagine leaving you to forget about your soaking wet shirt.... and, it dries. Not that bad, your thinking, right? WRONG! It doesn't dry like water dries... it dries like liquid lollipop.... HARD! You will then have a shirt that you can break in two if you attempt to bend it. Once again... no biggie if you're all alone with your newborn, I mean... he/she doesn't care, but remember what I said about those stray nipple squirts? Yeah... not so fun when you have hard, milk polka dots on your shirt in public.

Ah... the joys of motherhood. Yet another thing to add to the list of wonderful womanly wonders. Now... how fun would a milk-squirting contest be??? Anyone??? Anyone??