What's a little weight gain between friends??

I'll tell ya what it is,... a competition! Of course, we are all very supportive and wouldn't dare let a thought like that cross out minds. Riiiight. Have you ever been to the beach with a bunch of girlfriends? We all break out our "best body" bikini, make sure our legs, pits and other spots are freshly shaven (or waxed if you're a waxer... personally, I can't put scalding hot wax on a place known as the "predominant focus of female sexuality".... or anywhere near it for that matter. Anyway..) We throw on a little extra bronzer in areas we don't normally use it... heck, we might even do a couple hundred crunches just to make sure. It is quite obvious that although most of us are targeting men with our appearance, we most value the opinions of other women. And GOD help us if we don't look better than the bitch next to us... and by bitch, I mean friend, of course. Our comments to each other are always so nice and flattering... while we let our eyes wander to places only a doctor should notice and make mental notes of each dimple of cellulite. Behind those white teeth and fake smiles we're thinking of all the ways we look better than our girlfriend and if there aren't any obvious reasons, we'll use our female goggles to add a couple love handles or a saggy boob or two.... just as not to ruin the picture-perfect, just-the-right-angle, good-sided, paparazzi-smile image of ourselves that took a good fifteen minutes in front of the mirror to perfect (and engrave in our brains). Even if you're reading this going... I don't do that. You do. Every woman does! Even if you're one of those women who is always finding something wrong with yourself, you're still out to compare yourself to your female friends. In fact... you're the worst kind (don't worry, that's all of us). It's all evolutionary if you think of it. Our minds and bodies are trained to see each other as competition for a mate... no matter what other relationship exists, that is the bottom line, so don't feel bad, just blame the monkeys.

So bringing me back to the topic at hand... If you've ever been pregnant while any of your friends are,... or heck... they don't even have to be friends, they could be the person walking down the street,.... then you know the same philosophy applies.

So here's how it goes. You get pregnant, and you're all like, "yay! I can't wait to tell everyone!" and you do, and everyone is excited and makes a big fuss. Then, one of your friends gets pregnant, and then everyone gets excited and makes a big fuss.... for them. And you can see how it gets worse with every friend. So for a slight minute there, you're brain reverts back to the third grade and you start thinking of circus tricks you can preform to get the attention back on yourself. Thankfully, in most cases, this is a passing moment and your adult brain gets a hold of you. Well... it only continues on with each passing week. Now, there's almost no way that all of you are due the same exact day, therefore, someone is "ahead" of the others. And this is particularly hard for the competitive type that always likes to "win." (um.. that would be me... in case you didn't already know). So, on occasion you may "round up" to the next closest week when asked how far along you are by mutual friends.... as if you're actually going to catch up. I have to admit... I've totally done it. Or, even worse, you think you're "ahead" and ANOTHER friend drops the atomic bomb of the "secret pregnancy" and all of the sudden, SHE takes the lead! (How dare she!) You have to laugh b/c even though it all seems to childish, you can't help but think it. So, then here comes the topic of weight gain.... the equivalent of the Olympics when it comes to competition during pregnancy. No one wants to be the "big winner" here... no no no so suddenly you find yourself thinking of your girlfriends as you contemplate that second hot fudge sundae. You've re-learned 11th grade calculus to calculate who's won the weight gain track meet for the week. "Well, so and so is at 15 weeks and only gained x amount of pounds and I'm at 20 weeks and have gained y amount of pounds, but when I was at 15 weeks I was only at T amount of pounds therefore she will probably shoot up around week 18... to even more than me if she's already at x lbs even though technically that's less than I was but the difference b/w my 15 week and 20 week is R lbs so if you add R lbs to x lbs then she will totally be fatter than me. YAY, I win." Oh, then there's the belly pic you have to post. In most cases this involves an unknowing husband who thinks a picture can't take THAT long, can it? And by the time you've got one you ACTUALLY like, he's learned f-stops and shutter speeds and could teach an entry level photo class at the local college. It would be like pregnancy suicide to post a less than perfect belly pic. And by perfect, I mean you must look skinny everywhere except for where the baby is and that bump better look perfectly round and hard, not at all like there could be some beer gut bunking up with your future child... no no no, you basically have to look like a supermodel with a basketball under her shirt. This could take a while. And when one person's picture goes up, all the others are soon too follow... usually at the same bench mark as the first, so as to have an accurate comparison. Then, you check your site 15 times a day for comments and you check your girlfriends site 30 times a day to read her comments, b/c if you loose the comment war, you might as well just take down the picture and have photo shoot number 2. But on the surface you're all so supportive of each other... "OMG you look sooo good... you're ALL belly!" or "You've gained how much? I can't even tell!" or "It's ALL baby... definitely not in your thighs".... but deep down you're thinking, "probably a size 6 by now, bye bye skinny bitch... hahahahah" Well, not ALL the comments are deeply rooted in competitive hash. I mean, we are all friends and every once in a while the pregnancy hormones let the rational, kind-hearted side of you out of prison for a day or two. Ahh... the joys of pregnancy. And to think in 9 short (okay long) months, none of this will even matter.... b/c when you see that beautiful baby, nothing in the world matters. That is... until the pre-pregnancy jeans conversation come up, then it's back to where it all began!

Too all my friends on myfamily that are prego... none of these thoughts are true or about you. They're all hypothetical and in good fun. P.S. In all seriousness.. you all look amazing..... and that one came from the heart.